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Monday, 09 November 2009

  • I am

    Done with meaningless words
    "actions speak louder"
    listen to this silence,
    seeking, wanting to be heard.

    Conscious of surrounding
    "ignorance is bliss"
    knowledge is power......................



















    That's as far as I've gotten. That and the paper I was suppose
    to get done by midnight aren't done. And there's something about
    doing something you're not suppose to, where you shouldn't is
    satisfying. I was on a role with that paper, too. I need three more
    pages... Haha

    Sigh.




    I'm going to work on that History stuff until I can get my groove
    back for my paper..............

Sunday, 27 September 2009

  • I dare you to tell me that you really care.

    I dare you to stop denying yourself.

    I dare you to keep something to yourself.



    I'm still having that problem.
    I still can't find those friends I can trust entirely. Well... I'm sure I can with one, but in doing so... I'd fall even harder. And I know it isn't worth it.


    Let's just get drunk.

Friday, 25 September 2009

  • I wonder.. what am I looking for? What am I hoping to achieve? What are my goals? How do people seem to know the answer?

    But then... do they really?


    I hate feelings. I don't like when I start to like someone more than I meant to. Especially when that person has a lot of issues surrounding them. Such as my really good friend having feelings for him. We all know it, and she'll show it. I don't have that luxury. While she can openly flirt with him, I stand back, and get myself out of there. I actually felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. It's not a pleasant feeling. She thought I liked him once before, and I got the cold shoulder. Now, there's even more issues that she, especially, is trying to get through.


    And there's this secret. I know not to think much about, but I can't help it.

    It depresses me.


    Oh the struggles of our lives.

Wednesday, 09 September 2009

  • School just started, I'm pretty excited about my classes. My goal this year is to bring my grades up. Because I know I can do it, and I should have done it in the first place.


    Every time I write, I try to be positive, but the reason why I decide to write is because something is on my mind. What is it this time? I haven't worried about anything in a while, but like I said, I'm back in school. School stresses me out because I'm constantly worried about doing well. I can do it, I'm more than capable, but I like to put my best effort forward, but I always have excuses for things. I wish I was taking more psychology classes, but I want it to be easy. I'm fairly worried about over doing the enthusiasm for psychology and becoming just another student claiming it as a major. But I'm only a sophomore.


    We'll see?


    There are a couple of other things on my mind. I'm not sure how to address it. I'm not really sure what I want to say. Because it involves someone other than myself, however, in this predicament, it seems, I'm the only one who knows. I mean it wasn't bad, nothing horribly wrong, but I don't know. First of all.. I don't like that I'm the only one that knows, but at the same time I don't know what it'd be like if it wasn't that way. Second, I do not believe that the other person doesn't remember a thing. Third, it shouldn't bother me. Nothing happened.

























    F*CK... I hate this..

Tuesday, 01 September 2009

  • It's been a while. I can't sleep. Thoughts just keep running through my head, too fast for me to attempt to even identify any of them. But in my mind I know that it's just everything. Stuck on repeat. Idea's. Thought's that have gotten no where. Worries. Desires. Hopes. Dreams. Plots. Schemes. Just everything.

    The idea of writing a book sounds good. But where do you start? I couldn't just decide to write at chosen point. It needs to just happen. But who has time to just sit there and let words flow out of your mind, send those messages through your spine, and have the rest of your body react to the sent messages. Man.. I don't know where the time is for any of it. I wish I knew half as much as he did. I want to say shoot me! Let everyone know because the one person that matters, the one person that could tell me "no" already did it. I don't understand. How does our friend continue to drag his life on? He's so miserable it gets to me. And I let it get to me. I don't want to help him be happy, because I don't know what to think with him. I'm jealous. I wished I was still affected. But I can't. I'm in no ways allowed to. I don't have permission to mourn because I swear, I did it to him. I pushed him over the edge. I swear it's my fault. And I'm afraid that's how heartless I am. That it hasn't hit me that deep. He's gone. He's gone. He's fucking gone. But I didn't shed tears like I did when he was here. I didn't lose my mind like I did when he was here. He's right. I took him for granted. I didn't appreciate anything.


    Don't blame myself. Are you kidding me? Do you not understand the situation? I let the one I love die. My heart aches, but what is the heart to the rest of the body? The mind and soul? I'm incomplete. I feel like I'm in my own story. Like Alice in Wonderland. But it's all real. I couldn't go through with my original plans because I'm not fit for it. I don't want to be. I have too many problems that I'm not ready to get over. Let go? No. I can't. I can't even forget some things that happened when I was younger. Why? Because it has to make sense. I can't just say it didn't happen. I need to remember. I need to understand. I need control. It makes me crazy if I don't know what's going on. I lose my mind. I'm a crazy maniac hiding behind smiles and laughs. Because I don't want to face the real me.

    I want to run into the street with on coming traffic. I want to drive my car off the free way. I want to crash into a median. I want to get shot. I want to fall from the sky. I want to feel the pain he probably felt deep inside. Because I don't understand it. I can't live with myself. I can't stick to what is the best thing I could do for myself, because I don't think I deserve it. I can never get his life back, I don't think I can complete mine. I want everyone, but no one at the same time.

    How do people do it? How do they live with themselves? I can try to cover myself up all I want, but I can never get rid of what lies deep inside.
















    I want to change. I do. But I don't want to do it alone.. If you can hear. Send that person that's suppose to help me. It's wrong of me to ask. But send me my angel.

fluctuating_perplexity

  • Visit fluctuating_perplexity's Xanga Site
    • Name: fluctuating_perplexity
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 3/10/2009

About Me

  • Times like this is when I do not have the words to describe myself because I am most vulnerable and exposed. Weak, tired, pained; I am unhappy. I often try to hide it and I want you to believe I am okay, because if you don't believe me, it would make me a little happier knowing that you care.

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